It's been awhile ...

Oh boy. I should be sleeping, or doing homework. Something of that nature but I can’t shut my brain down. It’s in overdrive and I haven’t written on here in a while so I thought, hey maybe this will help. Today was not a good day, but I can hear my dad’s voice in the back of my overwhelmed mind, “There is always someone that’s going to have it worse than you, there’s always going to be someone that has it better than you. That’s just life.” How true was that today. For example, I had a crummy day but my mother and my brother both had significantly worse days than me. Thinking on a larger scale, as I’m waiting for my purple shampoo to do its thing in my hair, I start thinking about what I had been reading earlier. In attempt to silence my worrying mind I read one of my favorite short books, “How to be Lovely; The Audrey Hepburn way of life”. I don’t know how many people know a lot about her but she had been through more in her life time than most people. Yet she still had such a love and passion for life.

It’s easy to get stuck in the victim mentality, hell I’ve lived there once or twice in my life. But I think it’s important to remember you are only a victim if you choose to be. There comes a time where you must get out of bed, stand up and demand better from yourself. For a few moments, today I’ve been stuck in my head. Stuck in fear, stuck in sadness, stuck in uncertainty from a variety of things, and quite honestly not a lot of them where even related. How irrational is that? I am literally stressing myself out over a bunch of little things, and a lot of them I have little to know control over.


Ahh control. That has and probably will always be one of my biggest downfalls. Trying to control every little element in my life and frantically stressing when things don’t go as planned. I had a plan today. My alarm was set for 5am I was going to get up, make my breakfast pack lunches and get my things packed for class tonight, none of that happened. My alarm did go off at 5 and I did get up, but everything after that, excuse my French, turned to shit. Literally the whole day, nothing went as planned. I didn’t even make it to class or work today. Literally made me want to puke all day. And now I’m sitting here and I am kind of laughing at myself. Mostly because, what do I always say? Life got in the way. No matter HOW many times I tell myself that, it’s still hard for me to except.


Life is messy. Not just my life. Everyone’s life. It’s raw and unpredictable and if your life’s not, well I’m somewhere in-between envious and feeling sorry for you. I always hated to hear those words come out of my dad’s mouth when I was upset, or mad, or wanted to cry. That and “there’s no crying in baseball”. Ironically, I tell Brielle that all the time. But as I sit here and I think about my day I’m resonating in how true those words are. Not to say my pain is insignificant and does matter. But that it’s a part of life. It happens. Things don’t go your way and that sucks. Could things be better? Hell friken yes, but oh they could be so much worse.
   
Tonight, I thank God for the air in our lungs, the food in our stomachs, the clothes on our backs and this roof over our head. Because sometimes I go to bed and that’s all I have to take from the day, but it’s a hell of a lot more than some people have. I AM BLESSED.