A Single Mothers Broken Heart

I honestly should be sleeping right now. Just a little recap on life; I started a second job at a doctors office in a neighboring town, so I will be working there Monday- Thursday 9am-4pm. On top of that right now the salon is super understaffed so I will also be helping out there 5pm-9pm a few times a week until I start school the end of August. To say the least I have a lot going on. I had planned on writing a little more frequently, but I can see life is going to get in the way at times. Tonight's post is going to be straight from the heart so bare with me. 

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days. I've been praying a lot and asking for guidance, but I'll be the first to admit when I do get guidance my rebel heart always wants to what if things to death, or even go in the opposite direction.

Luke 12:25-26

 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

Easier said than done right? It's easy to find peace in His words but it doesn't necessarily make your worries go away. For me I don't think my biggest fears are tangible things. I know with hard work and determination eventually I will reach my work, and financial life goals. In that aspect I have always known God will provide. My biggest fear, is opening up my heart again. Heartache is hard. Moving on is hard. And I would never discredit how anyone feels, but I almost feel as a single parent, it makes in a million times harder because not only did you love this person, but your child fell in love with them. This person comes into your life and they just kind of fit. Something about having a daughter, and seeing the man you love fall in love with them just makes you fall so much deeper. But life happens, as it always does, and things sometimes just don't work out. It's no ones fault. If you're not the one you're not the one, and if you truly love the person as much as you say you do, you let go. Because all you want is for them to feel that fullness and the love that you felt with them. Regardless if it's with you or not. 

The hard part though, is rebuilding your family after that heartbreak. My daughter is fairly easy to explain things to. She has a very forgiving and kind heart. I explained to her that sometimes people fall in love, but they aren't who God intends us to spend our lives with. That sometimes people come into your life so you can help them grow, and they help you grow and teach you to be a better person, but we don't always get to end up with this person. She completely understood amazingly enough. Still though, she went through her own grieving period for the relationship. I quickly was reminded that I wasn't the only one who suffered loss. She cried for him. A lot. She missed him and had a hard time understanding if we were still friends and he still loved her why he doesn't visit like he used to. It was hard on all three of us. I should probably mention what makes things ten times worse is her biological dad hasn't been in her life at all for a year, and wasn't really a strong presence over the past two. Watching her go through the same pain and the grief she went through, made my grieving process so much more painful. No one wants to see their child hurt.

The last 5 months of our lives, has been a major transitioning period. Learning to be just me and her again and finally getting back on a normal routine after a period of feelings stuck in a haze of not knowing what the future will now hold for us. Dating sucks. It sucks bad. I have this intense fear of getting too close to someone again and bring them around my child to have us both end up heart broken. So I'm taking some time for myself to try and figure out how or if I'm going to ever get pasted that fear. I try to tell myself, God has a plan, and most days I find peace in that. But to be quite honest, his plan has scared me to death so far. This post way probably one of the hardest most honest things I've ever written. I guess my purpose of this post is just to tell all the single mothers out there, it's hard. I know it's hard. But we will get through this, and our children will see the love and respect we've demanded for ourselves and hopefully learn to demand the love and respect they deserve from our struggles. Love is the most important thing in the world. And sometimes opening yourself back up to the idea of letting someone else love you again, is the scariest thing in the world. But God loves you so much that He will never let you or your child suffer in vain. Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else. for it determines the course of your life". Walk in faith and you will find your way. Goodnight everyone. 

A little background on me

Hello blogging world!

  My name is Amanda Wells. I'm a California girl born and raised, raising my 4 year old little girl Brielle in a sleepy little country town in the central valley. I'm a woman of faith that has a deep love for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I love to help people. It's one of the main reason I want to become a nurse, but I've been struggling lately with trying to live with more purpose on the way to my journey becoming a nurse. And one day it just hit me, why not write a blog. We're all looking for someone who understands walking through the fire. Someone who can relate to things we go through, and things we experience in life. So the way I see it is if my "crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life" can help someone get through theirs I will be happy! And yes, I did just quote Darryl Worley's "Awful beautiful Life" haha. I'll do that. A lot. With songs, movies, you name it, when a quote fits I sticks! Funny fact, that's actually how I came up with the name of my blog. I was looking for something to word play off of a well and I started singing Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, "I'm Wishing". It's something that happens quite often with my brain, and I don't know if that has anything to do with the fact that my strongest multiple intelligence happens to be musical. Anytime I'm deep thought about something and there's a phrase or a word I think of or hear that makes me bust out in song in my head, and sometimes out loud. Sometimes with people present. I get some pretty odd looks if you don't know me well! Anyway I am getting super side tracked here. So a bit about myself and my life, my daughter and I moved to the town we are in almost two years ago now with one of my best friends Aricka. I grew up in the area so it's not terribly new to me. The town I grew up in was very small and I loved the small town feeling and how everyone knew each other, but it quite frankly is not the safest place to live. I had always said the town I live in now would be the only town I would ever live in in this valley if I had to stay, so! Here I am! I have to be honest, if I could,I'd move to Texas in a heartbeat. It's my favorite state and my person, one of my very best friends Leslie, lives there. When I visited I absolutely fell in love with the state. Sadly, my dad whom I am extremely closed to, threatened to never speak to me again if I moved his grand daughter away from him. Pretty sure that was a bit dramatic, considering when I lived in North Carolina at 19-21 he called me EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. If we went over 12 hours without speaking he went into full blown panic mode. But I caught the drift, he'd be heart broken. So would my mother, and honestly I couldn't be doing this by myself without their support. Right now, I'm a hairdresser in town the town my parents live in, and looking for a job at a doctors office so I can use this medical assisting cert I just spent the last 7 months working on. I also am working on my general ed and prerequisites to get into nursing school. But that I'll get more into later on another day. But to put it simply I work full time, go to school full time and am a full time single mommy. I am so grateful for the support I have from my wonderful parents, and true friends.  It really does take a village to raise a child and I thank the Lord every single day for my village. If I didn't have as much love and support as I do from my family and friends around me I doubt I would have been able to make it this far. I have a good handle of really close friends, and I'm sure as I continue writing you'll get to meet each and everyone of them. So that's just a little bit about me and I hope you enjoy this journey with me. I also want to start a Vlog on youtube and do some video's about my thoughts about life and God, and just getting through this crazy things we call life one day at a time.

Thanks for reading!

Brielle and I in Tahoe September 2015

All You Need is Love

So originally, when I had first wanted to start this blog, I had a post that was just general information about me that I wanted to be my first post. Makes since right? Well anyway, life got in the way and I just never got around to posting it. I finished it up tonight and I will be posting it soon, maybe tomorrow. But tonight, as I drove my daughter home from my parents house I started thinking about my day and the things I had talked about with a few close friends, and all the unfortunate dark things that are going on in the world and I kind of had a revelation.

Everyone is aware of the hate and the death that has been plaguing the country, well really the world, I feel like most prevalent within the last year. Black Live Matter, All Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter. I'm not here to tell you where I stand or what side "I'm on" because the truth of the matter is I'm not on any side in particular. I'm on the side of Love. Love Matters. That is all that matters. Do you hear me? I will repeat it again LOVE is all that matters. I am not here to belittle your feels or to say you are wrong because honestly, what ever you are feeling, they are your feelings and they are valid. What it comes down to for me is this, as a Christian even if you are not one, we all have a symbolic "cross" to bare like our Savior did for us. The cross you might bare is, you grew up in a corrupt inner city and never felt like you were give equal opportunity to excel because of you economical situation or the color of your skin. Your cross may make you worry about your own children and if they will be able to break the cycle or if they will be stuck in the same situation as you for the rest of their lives, despite you giving them every opportunity you know how. That is YOUR cross to bare. I will not tell you it's not as heavy as mine, I will not tell you to suck it up, I will not tell you it doesn't matter. Because it is the cross that you bare and I promise to never tell you otherwise. The cross you might bare is a badge. A badge that you put on everyday because all you've ever wanted to do since you where a little boy or girl was protect the ones you love. The cross you bare may feel at times so heavy from the pain of a lost brother or sister in the line of duty, or when a random person spits on you and calls you a pig for doing your job the best you know how. The cross you bare could feel so heavy some nights because you don't know if that's the last time you will read your daughter her favorite bedtime story. Your cross is just as EQUALLY important and heavy to bare. I will not tell you it's not heavy, I will not judge you by the cross you bare. You see some of us may feel at times, our crosses are a little heavier to carry than others, but everybody's pain is relevant and valid to them. But the weight of those crosses combined will never amount to the weight of that cross Jesus bared for us simply because he loved each and everyone of us, whether we know him or not, unconditionally.

We all act out of anger, hurt and selfishness at times. I will be the first to admit that sometimes I am quick to those feelings. And the truth is sometimes you need a little selfish times. It's wrong yes, but that is what conviction is for, to set us right. The other people in our lives and in our communities will have the same issues, and you will have to bare these things too. Learn to forgive those who speak out of anger and hurt. Learn how to be compassionate, and give grace even if you feel it isn't deserve or warranted. Simple because Christ gave it to you. Before you were even born, and before you had ever made a mistake in your life.

So when you read something that makes you angry, or you feel like arguing "your side", take a deep breath and try to respond with grace and compassion for the other person's cross. Because after all, know matter what "side" you're on, we're all on the same side to Christ. Brothers and Sisters. I think if we start to act like them and start treating each other with LOVE first. We might just be able to be the light in the darkness. I leave you tonight with my favorite verse of all time.

1 Corinthians 13New Living Translation (NLT)

13 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.