A Single Mothers Broken Heart

I honestly should be sleeping right now. Just a little recap on life; I started a second job at a doctors office in a neighboring town, so I will be working there Monday- Thursday 9am-4pm. On top of that right now the salon is super understaffed so I will also be helping out there 5pm-9pm a few times a week until I start school the end of August. To say the least I have a lot going on. I had planned on writing a little more frequently, but I can see life is going to get in the way at times. Tonight's post is going to be straight from the heart so bare with me. 

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days. I've been praying a lot and asking for guidance, but I'll be the first to admit when I do get guidance my rebel heart always wants to what if things to death, or even go in the opposite direction.

Luke 12:25-26

 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

Easier said than done right? It's easy to find peace in His words but it doesn't necessarily make your worries go away. For me I don't think my biggest fears are tangible things. I know with hard work and determination eventually I will reach my work, and financial life goals. In that aspect I have always known God will provide. My biggest fear, is opening up my heart again. Heartache is hard. Moving on is hard. And I would never discredit how anyone feels, but I almost feel as a single parent, it makes in a million times harder because not only did you love this person, but your child fell in love with them. This person comes into your life and they just kind of fit. Something about having a daughter, and seeing the man you love fall in love with them just makes you fall so much deeper. But life happens, as it always does, and things sometimes just don't work out. It's no ones fault. If you're not the one you're not the one, and if you truly love the person as much as you say you do, you let go. Because all you want is for them to feel that fullness and the love that you felt with them. Regardless if it's with you or not. 

The hard part though, is rebuilding your family after that heartbreak. My daughter is fairly easy to explain things to. She has a very forgiving and kind heart. I explained to her that sometimes people fall in love, but they aren't who God intends us to spend our lives with. That sometimes people come into your life so you can help them grow, and they help you grow and teach you to be a better person, but we don't always get to end up with this person. She completely understood amazingly enough. Still though, she went through her own grieving period for the relationship. I quickly was reminded that I wasn't the only one who suffered loss. She cried for him. A lot. She missed him and had a hard time understanding if we were still friends and he still loved her why he doesn't visit like he used to. It was hard on all three of us. I should probably mention what makes things ten times worse is her biological dad hasn't been in her life at all for a year, and wasn't really a strong presence over the past two. Watching her go through the same pain and the grief she went through, made my grieving process so much more painful. No one wants to see their child hurt.

The last 5 months of our lives, has been a major transitioning period. Learning to be just me and her again and finally getting back on a normal routine after a period of feelings stuck in a haze of not knowing what the future will now hold for us. Dating sucks. It sucks bad. I have this intense fear of getting too close to someone again and bring them around my child to have us both end up heart broken. So I'm taking some time for myself to try and figure out how or if I'm going to ever get pasted that fear. I try to tell myself, God has a plan, and most days I find peace in that. But to be quite honest, his plan has scared me to death so far. This post way probably one of the hardest most honest things I've ever written. I guess my purpose of this post is just to tell all the single mothers out there, it's hard. I know it's hard. But we will get through this, and our children will see the love and respect we've demanded for ourselves and hopefully learn to demand the love and respect they deserve from our struggles. Love is the most important thing in the world. And sometimes opening yourself back up to the idea of letting someone else love you again, is the scariest thing in the world. But God loves you so much that He will never let you or your child suffer in vain. Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else. for it determines the course of your life". Walk in faith and you will find your way. Goodnight everyone.