Is this the life you want to live?

It's that time again, beginning of the next semester of school. As of Monday I will be taking ten unit's, working full time at the doctors office, and a few days out of the month at the salon. All well taking care of Brielle and her needs of course. She's my number one priority and the main reason for all the madness. A flood of emotions are running through me right now. Fear, anxiety, worry, excitement, love, and pure joy. How blessed am I to be able to be of strong body and mind and be able to manage this crazy hectic schedule. Of course, having  an amazing, loving, and supportive group of family and friends help tremendously. Without them, truly, none of this would be possible.

Going back to school wasn't the easiest decision. First of all I had no idea in the world what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to make a difference, to feel fulfilled, but I just didn't know how. Something I was extremely interested in since I was a young adult was being a game warden. I grew up in a family that loves to hunt, and actually have a bow myself. Wildlife conservation, and hunting are a passion and a hobby for me. Although I was a little weary of turning another hobby into a career, ultimately it was my dad who talked me out of it. "Being a form of law enforcement, and a single mother probably isn't the best idea". Although it can be done, and I am sure there are plenty of single mothers that put on the uniform everyday, in the end I sided with my dad. It was a scary thought to think of Brielle not having both of her parents and it wasn't something I felt I could risk. But I have a great respect for the single parents that do, let me tell you. Fast forward a bit, I was starting to get really upset that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to be. I was wanting to find something I could be proud of, Brielle could be proud of, and I could wake up everyday feeling like I was truly making an impact in this world. I remember being really upset about it one day and being told by someone I care about, "Don't worry about it, you'll figure it out. You're a sheepdog". At the time I had no idea what the term "sheepdog" stood for so my response to that was, "huh?". "Sheepdog's are people who protect and take care of 'the sheep'. Unlike the wolf, who attacks the sheep."  This is common term to refer to LEO. But he, as a LEO,  meant it in a way to encourage me and I took it as a big compliment and still do.

One of my biggest passions in life is, children. I LOVE children and babies and would go to the ends of the earth to care for, protect and nurture as many children as possible. Honestly, once I'm a nurse, I would LOVE to foster to adopt a few children. There are so many that need loving homes. And being a mom is something that brings me the most joy in life. I've always had a mothering, nurturing personality. So when I had a dream about being a pediatric nurse, it was like God hit me in the face with it. Why, is this something I have never considered? I've always have had an interest in the medical field and health. It was almost like coming up for fresh air. I finally felt like I found where I was needed and where I belong.

I have to say, after finishing my MA program, pushing my self with school, working full time and raising my daughter, I feel so much pride in myself. What feels even more amazing is that my beautiful 5, going on 25, year old little monster, tells me all the time how proud of me she is. So this week will be filled with lots of organizing, cooking for the week, and scheduling every moment of my life. But I will love every moment of it because it's leading me where I want to be, and to the woman, I want to be.

If you feel like you're at a point in your life where you don't know where to go next, don't give. Spend sometime with yourself, and with God, and really try and find that missing puzzle piece. Only you have the power to change your life, and where you are going. If this isn't where you want to be and you're not proud of the person you are becoming, guess what? We've all been there at some point. Don't unpack and live there. Pick up your bags and take them where your soul is pulling you. Whether it's to a new career, or out of a crappy relationship, or a complete overhaul on how you're living your life, get up and LIVE your life. Find your passion. No one else is going to do it for you.

The Terrible, No Good, Mom

For the past two weeks, I have been a "terrible" mother in the eyes of my almost five year old little girl. You wanna know why I am a "terrible" mother. Here it goes; last week I wouldn't let her wear her favorite dress out of the bottom of the dirty hamper, and today it was because I don't let her eat Cheetos enough and I will not let her swim without a life-jacket when there's not an adult in the pool.

I think all parents can attest to the worrying of not being enough for their kids, not doing enough, and constantly feeling like they're failing them. I've yet to meet a perfect parent in my 25 years of age. Oddly enough hearing those things come out of my daughters mouth made me realize something. I'm not doing too bad as a parent. If all my kid has to complain about is, her lack of junk food in her diet and me trying to keep her hygienic and safe, I think its safe to say I'm doing an okay job. With that being said, I don't feel I'm am anywhere near done growing and improving with and for my child. Don't forget when you're parenting, your children aren't the only ones who are growing. Even after our parent's are done "raising" us there is always room for improvements.

For me, this has been something I've struggled with my entire life. I am always either way too harsh and critical with myself, or I completely shut down, shove my head in the sand and pray for it to go away. Lately I've been pushing myself really hard to change, but in retrospect, I am also trying to be more loving and forgiving to myself. I've struggled with anxiety and worrying about what the people I love think about me my entire life. There's something one of my favorite doctors used to say to me, "My cupith, has runith over".  When he would say this, he would  draw a little cup with a pipe dripping water into it. From there I always knew the speech that was going to come after. He's would draw the picture on the bed paper, look and me and say, "Amanda, where is all this water going to go when the cup is full". Then I would respond, "It's going to flow over the top Dr. Sam". Where he would then respond with, "How do we keep your cup from flowing over? We built a valve to let the water out before it comes pouring out of the top of cup". If you haven't caught on, the cup is you, the pipe is life, and the water is emotions and stress that come out of life and into you. When you don't release the stress in your life, you overflow. Overflow with anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, depression, or anything that is a direct result of you not taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotional. So, where am I going with this and what does this have to do with being a parent.  Here's what is boils down to; If you don't take care of yourself, you will find yourself not meeting up to your expectations of being a good parent. Taking care of yourself, improving yourself, and growth are things that make you a better parent.

So what am I doing in efforts to be a better mother for myself, and Brielle? I have made a commitment to myself, to try and have 10% improvements everyday. This week my 10% was insuring I got Brielle back on her bedtime schedule, read her a bed time story every night, and got both of our things ready for the next day before I went to bed. It's only been a week and I already feel so much better about myself, and my life. This 10% theory is something I actually got in beauty college. I used to listen to interviews from John Paul Dejoria, all the time and this is something that really stuck with me. If you don't know anything about this man, I encourage you to look him up. He is one of the co-founders of John Paul Mitchell Systems and is an all around inspiring human being. He talks about when you have a goal in mind, or are just trying to grow, to strive to make little improvements everyday. Once you master those improvements, pick another way to improve by 10% and reach that goal. This is a perfect way for me to keep myself from getting discouraged, and feeling like a, "terrible, no good, mom". Some time's you will be set back in those goals and that's okay. Failure is a way to learn to readjust the approach.

Life is crazy, and beautiful. But don't get so caught up in the stress of it that you don't enjoy it. Be forgiving to yourself when you fall short of whats expected of you, and I promise you, you will be a happier person. And the greatest things about being a happy parent, is that happy parents equals happy children. Be kind to yourselves, friends. I promise you, you are doing just fine.

Spinning In Circles

When you were little did you ever just put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? 

Do you remember the way it felt after? You almost had that light headed feeling and things still felt like they were spinning and you stumbled around a little bit... I guess as an adult I just also described the feeling of being incredibly drunk ha ha. But spinning as a kid was much more enjoyable, then drunk adult spinning because that's usually accompanied by a hangover and maybe some vomiting. But back to literally spinning around as a child, I remember the feeling. Almost vividly. The rush you felt and how fun it was to feel like the world was going in circles around you. Now fast forward to having that feeling again, as an adult, but without the fun of intoxication. Just the rush of everyday life. The frantic making to do lists in your head, trying to make sure your child's taken care of, your bills are taken care of, your house, your car, and usually lastly yourself.

When did we get so busy?

Lately I have been feeling like the room is spinning, but I've lost the childhood feel to it. It doesn't feel fun, it feels overwhelming and at times down right terrifying. Maybe as adults that's why we get so run down. Instead off enjoying the rush of the spinning around us we let it consume us. We start freaking out and trying to make it stop by running in more circles, when in reality all we need to do is, slow down until we stop and let your perception catch back up to you.

I will restore you- Joel 2:25

I'm really trying to learn how to be restored lately. I get so overwhelmed in all the things I need to get done, all the things I have yet to get done, and all the things I want to accomplish, that I start to feel defeated. I feel like a straight up hot mess. I think we are all our own worse critics and I know I am mine. The low points for me are when I feel less like a mother. When I feel like I'm not giving Brielle all she needs. For example, today I welcomed those feelings in. She starts TK on Thursday and I had a huge lists of things I've been wanting to do for her and get done. One of those which was to get her in to bed early and get her on a schedule. Well here we are, two days before school starts, and I didn't get her dinner until almost 8pm and didn't get her to bed until almost 9:30. At about 9pm those overwhelming feelings of guilt and anxiety began to hit me. I was telling myself...Oh no, I've failed again. Here we are the week school starts, and between my new job, trying to get school set up for both me and her, and the salon, I've managed to fail her AGAIN. How in the world am I going to do this? I'm going to be that hot mess mom that the teachers and the other well put together moms judge because we're always rushing in at the last moment, and sometimes I let her win the argument about letting her wear her hair "curly" which is but Brielle's code for bedhead. 

And then I heard it...

My favorite noise in the world. Her gigantic belly laugh, as she sat on the sofa, her Doc McStuffin's plate in her lap, eating her favorite dinner pea's and pizza, watching Minions. It was right there when I stopped. I stopped spinning and I looked over at my little girl happy as can be, healthy, clothed, and fed. I am blessed.  In that moment I felt God has restored me. Maybe I am that hot mess mom. But you know what, I think I'm okay with that. I made her put her plate in the sink, which I'm not going to worry about until the morning, brush her teeth and pick out a bed time story. Tonight I felt more than ever, even though it was so late, I was not going to miss that bedtime story. Because I was absorbing the happiness of my child. I was being restored.

I think we can learn a lot from out children about how to be happy and fulfilled. There's something I always make sure to tell Brielle when she has failure and its "You'll do better next time". Tonight I'm taking my own advice, I have a ton of laundry to do, and the dishes in the sink, and things to set up for tomorrow. But it wont be done until the morning. Tonight I need to feel restored, I need some rest, some sleep and "I'll do better next time".