It's been awhile ...

Oh boy. I should be sleeping, or doing homework. Something of that nature but I can’t shut my brain down. It’s in overdrive and I haven’t written on here in a while so I thought, hey maybe this will help. Today was not a good day, but I can hear my dad’s voice in the back of my overwhelmed mind, “There is always someone that’s going to have it worse than you, there’s always going to be someone that has it better than you. That’s just life.” How true was that today. For example, I had a crummy day but my mother and my brother both had significantly worse days than me. Thinking on a larger scale, as I’m waiting for my purple shampoo to do its thing in my hair, I start thinking about what I had been reading earlier. In attempt to silence my worrying mind I read one of my favorite short books, “How to be Lovely; The Audrey Hepburn way of life”. I don’t know how many people know a lot about her but she had been through more in her life time than most people. Yet she still had such a love and passion for life.

It’s easy to get stuck in the victim mentality, hell I’ve lived there once or twice in my life. But I think it’s important to remember you are only a victim if you choose to be. There comes a time where you must get out of bed, stand up and demand better from yourself. For a few moments, today I’ve been stuck in my head. Stuck in fear, stuck in sadness, stuck in uncertainty from a variety of things, and quite honestly not a lot of them where even related. How irrational is that? I am literally stressing myself out over a bunch of little things, and a lot of them I have little to know control over.


Ahh control. That has and probably will always be one of my biggest downfalls. Trying to control every little element in my life and frantically stressing when things don’t go as planned. I had a plan today. My alarm was set for 5am I was going to get up, make my breakfast pack lunches and get my things packed for class tonight, none of that happened. My alarm did go off at 5 and I did get up, but everything after that, excuse my French, turned to shit. Literally the whole day, nothing went as planned. I didn’t even make it to class or work today. Literally made me want to puke all day. And now I’m sitting here and I am kind of laughing at myself. Mostly because, what do I always say? Life got in the way. No matter HOW many times I tell myself that, it’s still hard for me to except.


Life is messy. Not just my life. Everyone’s life. It’s raw and unpredictable and if your life’s not, well I’m somewhere in-between envious and feeling sorry for you. I always hated to hear those words come out of my dad’s mouth when I was upset, or mad, or wanted to cry. That and “there’s no crying in baseball”. Ironically, I tell Brielle that all the time. But as I sit here and I think about my day I’m resonating in how true those words are. Not to say my pain is insignificant and does matter. But that it’s a part of life. It happens. Things don’t go your way and that sucks. Could things be better? Hell friken yes, but oh they could be so much worse.
   
Tonight, I thank God for the air in our lungs, the food in our stomachs, the clothes on our backs and this roof over our head. Because sometimes I go to bed and that’s all I have to take from the day, but it’s a hell of a lot more than some people have. I AM BLESSED.

Trust

Trust.

Such a small word, with such a big meaning. I trust you. I trust this. You have my trust. Can I trust you with this? I trust you with my life. To trust in something or someone is having blind faith in something that might fail you.

We're prone to failure since the dawn of time. It's why Jesus laid himself on the cross for us. Everyday we fail him, everyday we are granted faithful grace for our sin. But we're not perfect like Him, and when someone we put our faith in lets us down, its much harder to give that ever loving grace.

I found out something today about a person I once trusted. I always had a hunch in the back of my mind, but I chose to have faith and still believe I could trust this person. What do you do when the person, who at one point you thought you could trust your life with, turns out to be something entirely different? My first reaction, unfortunately, is always to be angry. I'm not so great at the touchy feely "you hurt my feelings". Today I was angry. No FURIOUS. How could someone hurt someone else they once loved so selfishly? I took a deep breath pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to brush it off.

I sit here tonight and I think about trust. But I'm also thinking a lot about grace. What this person did to me was unfair, and unkind, and so unlike the person I knew. But I have a choice, I can stew in the anger and the regret of how I should have trusted my gut and walked away sooner. Or I have choice number two, grace. I can choose to say, this persons actions has nothing to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with them. Getting your trust broken hurts like hell. But it's not your character that takes the hit. When someone breaks your trust its a direct reflection of their integrity, and what trust means to them.

I choose to no let other people actions dictate my reaction. I choose not to fire back out of anger, but to walk about in love. Extending the grace that was ever so freely give to me.

Life Gets in the Way

Well, it sure has been awhile! I wish I could have kept up on this a littler better this month, but as I have said and I'm going to say it again, life kind of got in the way. Right now I am in week four of school and already I'm starting to feel like I am loosing my marbles. I just finished writing a paper that was a minimum of  four pages, so not too bad. I ended up writing five and I guess I just felt like I still had some in me because I thought tonight would be a goodnight to write another post. Just a little recap on life, my part time position at the doctors office has no officially became a full time position, I'm still working at the salon a few times a month. As well as taking Math, English, and Nutrition  Science, totaling in at 10 units. Boy, even writing that out is exhausting, imagine how I feel currently haha. This weekend will be full of catching up on Nutrition lectures, and assignments and preparing for my math exam Monday.

School and work in itself is a struggle but my personal life has been somewhat of a mess too the last few months so I'm starting to get that spinning in circles feeling again. They say, "God never give you more than you can handle" and sometimes I think he thinks I'm a boulder because Dear Lord. It never stops. But that's life I suppose, it never really does stop. It keeps going with or without you, so you either stay down and get left behind, or you get back up and keep pushing forward.

We're all fighting some kind of mental hurdles through out the day. Whether it's school, family, work, or a combination, we all have something going on. And I feel like we all get so caught up in what we're going through that sometimes we forget to stop and really take a look around at the people around us. They're all going through it too. That in itself just helps me find comfort. Not in the fact that other people are struggling, but in the fact that we are not alone in our struggles. It may feel like it at times, but even if you don't like to share you struggles just looking around and embracing the people around you and recognizing their struggles seems to help. At least for me it does. I called one of my best friends this morning because she has been having a string of bad luck. We often times joke that we're cursed because it seems to be one thing after the other for the both of us. One of us always calls, "You will not believe what just happened to me today!". Sometimes we cry about it, and sometimes we laugh to keep from crying because there's nothing we really can do about it. But we always end up saying something alone the lines of it all being in God's plan not ours by the end of our conversation.

I have never had so much equal comfort and frustration come out of any other phrase than that, "It's all in God's hands". Well I guess that's not true I also feel that way about the saying, "This too shall pass" but quite honestly they go hand in hand. Sometimes it is such a great relief to take that burden off of you and let it be in God's hands, and other times it just plain sucks because its not what you had planned. That brings to mind another similar quote I always like to tell myself, "We plan, and God laughs." Things very seldom turn out fully how we have them pictured in our heads. You think I would have learned this by now, but with my control freak nature it still drives me nuts. I find myself throwing temper tantrums like a toddler, "Damn it, this is not the way this was suppose to go!" Yea, okay Amanda when do things ever go the way you plan? The answer to that question is NEVER.

With life being as crazy as it is for me there is no way I can have concrete plans or ever begin to try and guess where I'm going to be in a year. So I'm trying to stop thinking about it and, "Put it in Gods hands". But I shall advise you, I am much better at giving advice than I am at taking my own. Right now I'm sitting up in bed in my old bedroom at my parents house, with Brielle snoring next to me, and I don't think I've been so at peace all day. So here's to the future I'm saying BRING IT.

Is this the life you want to live?

It's that time again, beginning of the next semester of school. As of Monday I will be taking ten unit's, working full time at the doctors office, and a few days out of the month at the salon. All well taking care of Brielle and her needs of course. She's my number one priority and the main reason for all the madness. A flood of emotions are running through me right now. Fear, anxiety, worry, excitement, love, and pure joy. How blessed am I to be able to be of strong body and mind and be able to manage this crazy hectic schedule. Of course, having  an amazing, loving, and supportive group of family and friends help tremendously. Without them, truly, none of this would be possible.

Going back to school wasn't the easiest decision. First of all I had no idea in the world what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to make a difference, to feel fulfilled, but I just didn't know how. Something I was extremely interested in since I was a young adult was being a game warden. I grew up in a family that loves to hunt, and actually have a bow myself. Wildlife conservation, and hunting are a passion and a hobby for me. Although I was a little weary of turning another hobby into a career, ultimately it was my dad who talked me out of it. "Being a form of law enforcement, and a single mother probably isn't the best idea". Although it can be done, and I am sure there are plenty of single mothers that put on the uniform everyday, in the end I sided with my dad. It was a scary thought to think of Brielle not having both of her parents and it wasn't something I felt I could risk. But I have a great respect for the single parents that do, let me tell you. Fast forward a bit, I was starting to get really upset that I couldn't figure out what I wanted to be. I was wanting to find something I could be proud of, Brielle could be proud of, and I could wake up everyday feeling like I was truly making an impact in this world. I remember being really upset about it one day and being told by someone I care about, "Don't worry about it, you'll figure it out. You're a sheepdog". At the time I had no idea what the term "sheepdog" stood for so my response to that was, "huh?". "Sheepdog's are people who protect and take care of 'the sheep'. Unlike the wolf, who attacks the sheep."  This is common term to refer to LEO. But he, as a LEO,  meant it in a way to encourage me and I took it as a big compliment and still do.

One of my biggest passions in life is, children. I LOVE children and babies and would go to the ends of the earth to care for, protect and nurture as many children as possible. Honestly, once I'm a nurse, I would LOVE to foster to adopt a few children. There are so many that need loving homes. And being a mom is something that brings me the most joy in life. I've always had a mothering, nurturing personality. So when I had a dream about being a pediatric nurse, it was like God hit me in the face with it. Why, is this something I have never considered? I've always have had an interest in the medical field and health. It was almost like coming up for fresh air. I finally felt like I found where I was needed and where I belong.

I have to say, after finishing my MA program, pushing my self with school, working full time and raising my daughter, I feel so much pride in myself. What feels even more amazing is that my beautiful 5, going on 25, year old little monster, tells me all the time how proud of me she is. So this week will be filled with lots of organizing, cooking for the week, and scheduling every moment of my life. But I will love every moment of it because it's leading me where I want to be, and to the woman, I want to be.

If you feel like you're at a point in your life where you don't know where to go next, don't give. Spend sometime with yourself, and with God, and really try and find that missing puzzle piece. Only you have the power to change your life, and where you are going. If this isn't where you want to be and you're not proud of the person you are becoming, guess what? We've all been there at some point. Don't unpack and live there. Pick up your bags and take them where your soul is pulling you. Whether it's to a new career, or out of a crappy relationship, or a complete overhaul on how you're living your life, get up and LIVE your life. Find your passion. No one else is going to do it for you.

The Terrible, No Good, Mom

For the past two weeks, I have been a "terrible" mother in the eyes of my almost five year old little girl. You wanna know why I am a "terrible" mother. Here it goes; last week I wouldn't let her wear her favorite dress out of the bottom of the dirty hamper, and today it was because I don't let her eat Cheetos enough and I will not let her swim without a life-jacket when there's not an adult in the pool.

I think all parents can attest to the worrying of not being enough for their kids, not doing enough, and constantly feeling like they're failing them. I've yet to meet a perfect parent in my 25 years of age. Oddly enough hearing those things come out of my daughters mouth made me realize something. I'm not doing too bad as a parent. If all my kid has to complain about is, her lack of junk food in her diet and me trying to keep her hygienic and safe, I think its safe to say I'm doing an okay job. With that being said, I don't feel I'm am anywhere near done growing and improving with and for my child. Don't forget when you're parenting, your children aren't the only ones who are growing. Even after our parent's are done "raising" us there is always room for improvements.

For me, this has been something I've struggled with my entire life. I am always either way too harsh and critical with myself, or I completely shut down, shove my head in the sand and pray for it to go away. Lately I've been pushing myself really hard to change, but in retrospect, I am also trying to be more loving and forgiving to myself. I've struggled with anxiety and worrying about what the people I love think about me my entire life. There's something one of my favorite doctors used to say to me, "My cupith, has runith over".  When he would say this, he would  draw a little cup with a pipe dripping water into it. From there I always knew the speech that was going to come after. He's would draw the picture on the bed paper, look and me and say, "Amanda, where is all this water going to go when the cup is full". Then I would respond, "It's going to flow over the top Dr. Sam". Where he would then respond with, "How do we keep your cup from flowing over? We built a valve to let the water out before it comes pouring out of the top of cup". If you haven't caught on, the cup is you, the pipe is life, and the water is emotions and stress that come out of life and into you. When you don't release the stress in your life, you overflow. Overflow with anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, depression, or anything that is a direct result of you not taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotional. So, where am I going with this and what does this have to do with being a parent.  Here's what is boils down to; If you don't take care of yourself, you will find yourself not meeting up to your expectations of being a good parent. Taking care of yourself, improving yourself, and growth are things that make you a better parent.

So what am I doing in efforts to be a better mother for myself, and Brielle? I have made a commitment to myself, to try and have 10% improvements everyday. This week my 10% was insuring I got Brielle back on her bedtime schedule, read her a bed time story every night, and got both of our things ready for the next day before I went to bed. It's only been a week and I already feel so much better about myself, and my life. This 10% theory is something I actually got in beauty college. I used to listen to interviews from John Paul Dejoria, all the time and this is something that really stuck with me. If you don't know anything about this man, I encourage you to look him up. He is one of the co-founders of John Paul Mitchell Systems and is an all around inspiring human being. He talks about when you have a goal in mind, or are just trying to grow, to strive to make little improvements everyday. Once you master those improvements, pick another way to improve by 10% and reach that goal. This is a perfect way for me to keep myself from getting discouraged, and feeling like a, "terrible, no good, mom". Some time's you will be set back in those goals and that's okay. Failure is a way to learn to readjust the approach.

Life is crazy, and beautiful. But don't get so caught up in the stress of it that you don't enjoy it. Be forgiving to yourself when you fall short of whats expected of you, and I promise you, you will be a happier person. And the greatest things about being a happy parent, is that happy parents equals happy children. Be kind to yourselves, friends. I promise you, you are doing just fine.

Spinning In Circles

When you were little did you ever just put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? 

Do you remember the way it felt after? You almost had that light headed feeling and things still felt like they were spinning and you stumbled around a little bit... I guess as an adult I just also described the feeling of being incredibly drunk ha ha. But spinning as a kid was much more enjoyable, then drunk adult spinning because that's usually accompanied by a hangover and maybe some vomiting. But back to literally spinning around as a child, I remember the feeling. Almost vividly. The rush you felt and how fun it was to feel like the world was going in circles around you. Now fast forward to having that feeling again, as an adult, but without the fun of intoxication. Just the rush of everyday life. The frantic making to do lists in your head, trying to make sure your child's taken care of, your bills are taken care of, your house, your car, and usually lastly yourself.

When did we get so busy?

Lately I have been feeling like the room is spinning, but I've lost the childhood feel to it. It doesn't feel fun, it feels overwhelming and at times down right terrifying. Maybe as adults that's why we get so run down. Instead off enjoying the rush of the spinning around us we let it consume us. We start freaking out and trying to make it stop by running in more circles, when in reality all we need to do is, slow down until we stop and let your perception catch back up to you.

I will restore you- Joel 2:25

I'm really trying to learn how to be restored lately. I get so overwhelmed in all the things I need to get done, all the things I have yet to get done, and all the things I want to accomplish, that I start to feel defeated. I feel like a straight up hot mess. I think we are all our own worse critics and I know I am mine. The low points for me are when I feel less like a mother. When I feel like I'm not giving Brielle all she needs. For example, today I welcomed those feelings in. She starts TK on Thursday and I had a huge lists of things I've been wanting to do for her and get done. One of those which was to get her in to bed early and get her on a schedule. Well here we are, two days before school starts, and I didn't get her dinner until almost 8pm and didn't get her to bed until almost 9:30. At about 9pm those overwhelming feelings of guilt and anxiety began to hit me. I was telling myself...Oh no, I've failed again. Here we are the week school starts, and between my new job, trying to get school set up for both me and her, and the salon, I've managed to fail her AGAIN. How in the world am I going to do this? I'm going to be that hot mess mom that the teachers and the other well put together moms judge because we're always rushing in at the last moment, and sometimes I let her win the argument about letting her wear her hair "curly" which is but Brielle's code for bedhead. 

And then I heard it...

My favorite noise in the world. Her gigantic belly laugh, as she sat on the sofa, her Doc McStuffin's plate in her lap, eating her favorite dinner pea's and pizza, watching Minions. It was right there when I stopped. I stopped spinning and I looked over at my little girl happy as can be, healthy, clothed, and fed. I am blessed.  In that moment I felt God has restored me. Maybe I am that hot mess mom. But you know what, I think I'm okay with that. I made her put her plate in the sink, which I'm not going to worry about until the morning, brush her teeth and pick out a bed time story. Tonight I felt more than ever, even though it was so late, I was not going to miss that bedtime story. Because I was absorbing the happiness of my child. I was being restored.

I think we can learn a lot from out children about how to be happy and fulfilled. There's something I always make sure to tell Brielle when she has failure and its "You'll do better next time". Tonight I'm taking my own advice, I have a ton of laundry to do, and the dishes in the sink, and things to set up for tomorrow. But it wont be done until the morning. Tonight I need to feel restored, I need some rest, some sleep and "I'll do better next time".

 

A Single Mothers Broken Heart

I honestly should be sleeping right now. Just a little recap on life; I started a second job at a doctors office in a neighboring town, so I will be working there Monday- Thursday 9am-4pm. On top of that right now the salon is super understaffed so I will also be helping out there 5pm-9pm a few times a week until I start school the end of August. To say the least I have a lot going on. I had planned on writing a little more frequently, but I can see life is going to get in the way at times. Tonight's post is going to be straight from the heart so bare with me. 

I've had a lot on my mind the last few days. I've been praying a lot and asking for guidance, but I'll be the first to admit when I do get guidance my rebel heart always wants to what if things to death, or even go in the opposite direction.

Luke 12:25-26

 25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 26 And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?

Easier said than done right? It's easy to find peace in His words but it doesn't necessarily make your worries go away. For me I don't think my biggest fears are tangible things. I know with hard work and determination eventually I will reach my work, and financial life goals. In that aspect I have always known God will provide. My biggest fear, is opening up my heart again. Heartache is hard. Moving on is hard. And I would never discredit how anyone feels, but I almost feel as a single parent, it makes in a million times harder because not only did you love this person, but your child fell in love with them. This person comes into your life and they just kind of fit. Something about having a daughter, and seeing the man you love fall in love with them just makes you fall so much deeper. But life happens, as it always does, and things sometimes just don't work out. It's no ones fault. If you're not the one you're not the one, and if you truly love the person as much as you say you do, you let go. Because all you want is for them to feel that fullness and the love that you felt with them. Regardless if it's with you or not. 

The hard part though, is rebuilding your family after that heartbreak. My daughter is fairly easy to explain things to. She has a very forgiving and kind heart. I explained to her that sometimes people fall in love, but they aren't who God intends us to spend our lives with. That sometimes people come into your life so you can help them grow, and they help you grow and teach you to be a better person, but we don't always get to end up with this person. She completely understood amazingly enough. Still though, she went through her own grieving period for the relationship. I quickly was reminded that I wasn't the only one who suffered loss. She cried for him. A lot. She missed him and had a hard time understanding if we were still friends and he still loved her why he doesn't visit like he used to. It was hard on all three of us. I should probably mention what makes things ten times worse is her biological dad hasn't been in her life at all for a year, and wasn't really a strong presence over the past two. Watching her go through the same pain and the grief she went through, made my grieving process so much more painful. No one wants to see their child hurt.

The last 5 months of our lives, has been a major transitioning period. Learning to be just me and her again and finally getting back on a normal routine after a period of feelings stuck in a haze of not knowing what the future will now hold for us. Dating sucks. It sucks bad. I have this intense fear of getting too close to someone again and bring them around my child to have us both end up heart broken. So I'm taking some time for myself to try and figure out how or if I'm going to ever get pasted that fear. I try to tell myself, God has a plan, and most days I find peace in that. But to be quite honest, his plan has scared me to death so far. This post way probably one of the hardest most honest things I've ever written. I guess my purpose of this post is just to tell all the single mothers out there, it's hard. I know it's hard. But we will get through this, and our children will see the love and respect we've demanded for ourselves and hopefully learn to demand the love and respect they deserve from our struggles. Love is the most important thing in the world. And sometimes opening yourself back up to the idea of letting someone else love you again, is the scariest thing in the world. But God loves you so much that He will never let you or your child suffer in vain. Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else. for it determines the course of your life". Walk in faith and you will find your way. Goodnight everyone.